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i wish i could admit it to everyone. that try as hard as i can, my heart just doesn't stop. that even though in retrospect i was always the one fixing your mistakes and giving in to less then what i deserved, it's still in me to want that. i DID trade integrity for security, but between us i still had some of my integrity and i didn't care what the rest of the world saw. and even after the way things ended up i still dropped everything at an instants notice after you broke through my broken-hearted resistance. and try as hard as i don't want this, this longing, this unfulfilled friendship, this lie to my heart, i can't do anything to change it. i always come back to you, always. and even when my mind is saying go for this, do what you know you can, my heart pouts and stamps it's strings until my mind gives up.
don't talk to me about longing, about heartbreak, about uncertainty of love. you don't even understand what it means.heart of stone is:  the same as always |
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Dec. 6th, 2004 @ 09:38 pm
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i do it to myself. every fucking time. no... you know what? i don't take the blame. and i can't play these fucking mind games.. i'm supposed to be enjoying my last year of high school. i wanted you to be apart of it but obviously you couldn't handle that so stay out of it. don't drag me in with these stories of nights spent alone, and hopes for more than you're ever going to give me. don't say it will never be again, and then claim i'm destroying all the chances to save us. don't you get it? my heart can't take it! it's already broken.. theres no reason to smash a smashed watch... it doesn't make it any better or any worse, it just sucks. and you make me expect so much more, expect the return of something you destroyed.
don't ever lie to me again.
you don't miss me.
you miss someone being in love with you.
someone wanting you.
i can't.heart of stone is:  disappointed jam of the day: northstar |
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i don't know why i try and convince myself otherwise. i'm just worried that as i continue to speak, my words lose their meaning or that the meaning behind them is lost. cuz when i think about it.. and what comes are completely different. i don't know. i need to stop listening to myself.
i just want it to be perfect, but it won't be. and im trying. and i can't even talk to you about it, because we're not like that. you just don't get it, you can't be mad at me for that. but i'll still stick by you, because i owe you more then that.heart of stone is:  full jam of the day: outkast |
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Jan. 26th, 2004 @ 10:03 pm
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"katiri you havent ruined anything in my life AT ALL. you have made me so happy recently and it only keeps getting better, you truly are the best thing in my life right now and i dont want to even think about losing you. if i could only show you how happy you make me and how much i really do love you, you would know that i am never serious whenever i say anything remotely mean about you"
-sigh-
hahha if you only knew how weird we are.
you'd either be disgusted or laugh.
it's great.
... i miss you :\heart of stone is:  calm jam of the day: black eyed peas |
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so our first real yelling at eachother fight..
and i'm happier then ever.
i really do love that boy.
and i'm not going anywhere.
off to burn cd's.. yayy.heart of stone is:  cold jam of the day: teenage fanclub |
| » sometimes life can keep you down |
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roarrr.. :)
-sigh- i knwo i know.. there were a lot of problems in the past. but i friggin love the boy, what can i say? i'm so gosh darn happy.. just ask amanda and allie.. they had to suffer through my giddyness. thats why they're great friends :).
mooron. MO-ron. SLLLUUUTTT!!
so many many smileys. still workin on the cloves.
Jan. 17th, 2004 @ 12:36 am
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| » you're growing on me |
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wow.
what's the date?
january 15th?
i'm on the verge.. a day to always remember -or- try and forget.
please don't ask.. j.u.s.t.d.o.n.'.t.
and don't hate me.
it's funny the things that happen when we don't have school.
anyone wanna buy me herbal cigarettes?
Jan. 15th, 2004 @ 07:28 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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it's starting already.
it's like an old role i'm stepping in to play, and i want to do my best. i want to do well. my heart has chosen for me, against any better judgement i used to know.. here we are.
if i could i would shrink myself
sink through your skin to your blood cells
remove whatever makes you hurt
but i am too weak to be your cure.
i'm not a very good best friend.
why does money always have to be an issue. i wish i could ahve an endless supply.. i would never use that much, it would just come in handy to have lots of spare around, instead of living from twenty to twenty.
i can't wait to see your face. i already know..
Jan. 4th, 2004 @ 10:52 pm
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| » i cant let this kill me |
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it's a new year. my hair is darker. and i'm so completely confused. everything is pulling me in different directions.
TIME OUT.
he is sweeter now. he's nicer, and does cute things like show up unannounced early in the morning, and gets me silly presents. but thats all i want. i know if it went farther it would turn into the same as before..
or maybe not. he seems sincere enough.
but who says i shouldnt give it a chance?
to the po-po we go..
Jan. 2nd, 2004 @ 03:00 pm
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| » so this is the new year? |
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it's funning how i find myself on the last day of 2003 in a position so ridiculously similar to how i found myself at the end of last year.
there were a lot of people that had a big impact one me this year, a lot of whom i am still lucky enough to say are my friends. this year just showed me that some bonds don't break, and i'm lucky to have a lot of those.
you've made this year possible, bearable, horrible, amazing, shitty, important, wirth remembering.
thanks.
Dec. 31st, 2003 @ 11:55 am
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| » you've had your chance, now say goodbye |
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i'm having my fun. i don't know where it will lead us, but i don't really care. nowhere is fine by me.
cuz thats where you left me last time.
i'm making you work. and your lies, promises, deals, all of it,
MEANS NOTHING. and you're finally starting to realize it.
needless to say, i'm being a bitch.
AND LOVING IT.
for christmas i got:
**a canon rebel 2000 camera.. love at first site.
**assorted clothes
**gift certificates galore
**a 555soul hoodie and skirt (i got 'em for myself :))
** $475 .. $130 of which is GONE.
... and other stuff that i don't remember.
philly = wonderful.
and kenny vasoli (who was online the other day) is gorgeous still. was there ever any doubt? didn't think so.
i wish everyone told me their version of the story.
and i still smell like you.
Dec. 28th, 2003 @ 11:58 pm
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| » kiss your baby goodnight |
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i'm not sure why,
but thinking of you does make me smile,
in a weird sort of "Awww" way.
thanks for that.
aww. now i'm all happy-like.
i lvoe all my friends.
MERRY CHRISTMAS. HAPPY CHANUKAH. MERRY KWANZAA.
Dec. 24th, 2003 @ 09:11 pm
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| » wade to go |
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that was the gayest thing ever.
i figured my first accident would be a good'n'messy one.
not some fuckin moron new yorker backing into me.
needless to say, even thought it wasn't my fault, i'm in lots of wonderful trouble.. so come visit me when possible because i doubt i'll be going out often.
if you really liked me..
its not even worth finishing.
Happy Holidays.
Dec. 24th, 2003 @ 12:12 am
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| » i was the one worth leaving. |
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i'm really excited about my little part in the play.
haha i'm disgustingly psyched.
i can't get un-cold. it's just in me.
i'm so glad you don't fascinate me.. at all. all that glitters isn't gold, sometimes it's just a rock.
Dec. 22nd, 2003 @ 09:34 pm
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| » in a soundless space.. |
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 | The Big Five Personality Test | | Extroverted | |||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Introverted | |||||| | 22% | | Friendly | |||||||||||||| | 58% | | Aggressive | |||||||||||| | 42% | | Orderly | |||||||||||| | 50% | | Disorderly | |||||||||||| | 50% | | Relaxed | |||||||||||| | 48% | | Emotional | |||||||||||||| | 52% | | Openminded | |||||||||||||||||| | 72% | | Closeminded | |||||| | 28% | Take Free Big 5 Personality Test
Dec. 21st, 2003 @ 05:39 pm
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| » i'm definitely sure that i'm not sure |
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i'm over thinking it.
i'm over analyzing it.
i'm fuckin done with this shit.
if it's right.. it is.
if it's not, then i'll be the one to say.
this time.. i'm gonna be in control.
i'm not a stupid girl anymore.
i know what i want, and what i don't,
and i won't be pushed around anymore.
it's my turn to do things my way.
fuckin deal with it.
gotta bake some brownies.
Dec. 21st, 2003 @ 12:56 am
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| » we live on front porches |
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i'm taking kto's advice. i'm gonna sit back, and watch it all. i am but a mere spectator.. entice me.
in other news:
i saw THE coolest triple 5 soul zip-up today.. and they didn't have it in my size. i'm determined to find it out there. yea, my mom told me she wanted to go to bay terrace and get me a T5S hoodie for christmas.. but now i'll just have to wait for my birthday. just thinking about it makes me drool.
i lost one of my mom's amber earrings. i wore them to the mall.. and then bowling.. so tomorrow i'm on a mission. im gonna check every car, place, and path i've followed with them on. if i lost it in the mall, then it will indeed be a hopeless journey, but i shall try none the less.
you think you can do these things, but you just can't.**
Dec. 20th, 2003 @ 01:09 am
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| » won't you save me? savings what i need |
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my hopes are hanging by a thread.
it doesnt take much to cut a thread.
so either cut me loose
or catch me.
come see the dance team on tuesday.
we're awesome, seriously :)
Dec. 18th, 2003 @ 02:49 pm
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| » so it comes down to you |
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slowly but surely i'm adding everyone to my friends list. it's a slow process.
it's funny. i was so incredibly nervous, and why? i don't even know you. i've never been that nervous before in my life. what is wrong with me? how come you make my heart race? that's jsut weird.
.. play auditions = check.
i think i did alright. if i dont make it, no big deal.
.. psat scores = check.
much better then last year.
.. you = X
you're not even worth it.
.. him = ???
yea.. whatever.
thats right, i said WHATEVA!
Dec. 17th, 2003 @ 06:13 pm
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| » "it's me and the moon," she says. |
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i'm a different person.
i look back at my entries.. and i hated who i was, i was that girl you hate, that girl i hate, all there was was hate.
i'm a different person now.
but i still hate who i am, i'm improving to say the least. the drama has subsided, i'm doing a lot better, and in general i'm busy so i'm happy.
i'm a completely different person now.
i'm learning to love it.
-- Vanessa. Thanks.
Dec. 15th, 2003 @ 04:50 pm
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